Get Over Myself: Transparent Thoughts of a Dense Christian

Thanksgiving's coming this week. Unfortunately I don't give enough thanks the rest of the year. If I had to give thanks for one thing in my life right now, it would be my marriage. My wife and I have walked down some dirty, despicable roads in our relationship. We have survived many battles, addictions, infidelities and the like. For all intents and purposes, it's not really fair for me to sum up almost 11 years in three vague words like that, but this blog is not meant to be a magnifying glass hovering over our personal lives.

However, this blog is, in part, meant to be a testimony to the goodness of God. Since the beginning of my blogging I have attempted to give glory and attention to God through my family and my own experiences. Any further questions about my character can be defaulted to my Personal Profile, found at the left of the screen. Though I do tend to take a cynical approach on some social issues, they ultimately have nothing to do with the big picture. Thus my frustration. But I digress...

Last night I finally finished a three day cleaning spree of our basement. I finally took all the papers and trash and stuff from in front of the fireplace, put all my electronic junk away, cleared the tables, organized the wires of our gaming equipment and "toys" and even adjusted some lighting to make the area more pleasant. My wife had just finished making an excellent steak and cheese sandwich and was just sitting down at the dining room table to eat it. I had bought a little package of sushi from the store, and so I told her to come downstairs and let's eat in the basement. Much to her delight, she came down to a very clean, nice basement. (She thought I had been playing video games the whole time! Oh, and it's a finished basement; it's not as dreary as it sounds...just go with it!

I put one of those little cheap Firelogs in the fireplace, lit it, turned down the lights and we ate our sushi and cheesteak on the floor in front of the fire. We didn't talk about much, it was just nice. It wasn't busy. She asked me if I wanted to watch a movie upstairs. I suggested we blow up the air mattress and play the movie on our X Box downstairs. So there we were, watching a terrible movie on a game console about war on an uncomfortable air mattress and a fire that was barely enough to light a match. But I was with her, and at that moment there was no place I would have rather been. The light of that moment was even more magnified in the wake of our past. We ended up sleeping all night downstairs on the mattress; very uncomfortable and totally NOT recommended.

The goodness of God has taken me and my beloved through some terrifying nightmares in our relationship. It was a marriage that seemed doomed from the start, with most everone we knew totally against it for a myriad of reasons. What with our shady, unfaithful, dirty pasts, addictions and anger problems; we were an interracial couple, and Catholic girl and a Baptist boy. (Though we are still interracial, we are neither Catholic nor Baptist...not that there's anything wrong with that...!) Through forgiveness of each other, and God's grace and direction, we have continued to grow. And fail. And grow more, and for that I am thankful. The divorce rate among Christians mimics that of non-Christians, and the question is, "Are we the difference?" A deeper, and more serious question to ponder is, "Are we (Christians) imitating the world in our divorce rates, or is the world imitating us?" Hmm...

A major turning point in our relationship was when my wife and I sat on our bed one night about 8 or 9 years ago. We had been struggling with some issues already and had recently started going to church and finding out about Jesus and true salvation. In this conversation we both confessed to infidelity; one before marriage, one after marriage, on both of our parts and prior to our devotion to God. Our struggles were such that the future of our marriage was the topic of conversation. Yes, we were discussing the big "D". But I felt a turning point at this moment. I had never seen God present two directions so clearly. The first being divorce, the second being marriage. We discussed the options and what God says about divorce. The thing that hurt and scared us was Jesus actually gives reason for divorce: infidelity. We would be totally and Biblically justified if we had gone through with it. To be totally honest with you, I actually felt as though forgiveness was the only response I could give.

There was a future for us that was much greater than divorce. There was a depth to forgiveness that neither of us had ever experienced until that moment, and we both made a conscious effort to forgive one another, despite the offenses. We both made an effort, and wanted, to honor God in our marriage and let "no man separate what God joined together". Not out of pride, but opportunity to testify about the goodness and mercy of God, even when we don't deserve it. We sat on our marriage bed that night dirty, broken, confused, lost and selfish. We got up out of that marriage bed the next morning clean, healed and forgiven. And for this reason, my heart breaks that much more when I hear of failed marriages especially in the church. Not that I'm better or our situation was any different or easier. I can certainly NOT judge anyone elses personal situations...my heart breaks because I know the power of forgiveness that lies on the other side of the pain, regardless of what hurt has been inflicted.

There were times when she wronged me, and I KNEW that it was wrong in every way, and I would just want to throw the Bible in her face and show her how wrong she was. (I think I did that ONCE and learned quickly it would probably NOT be in my best interests, if I desired to continue to live, to ever try that again.) So I would do the next best thing. I would go tell on her! I would go into my prayer room and begin to open my mouth and tell God to change her. But that prayer never came out. Not once could I ever utter the words. As soon as I hit my knees, I always ended up asking God to change me. Through those times of prayer, God re-shaped my heart and presented her to me all over again for the first time. I saw her with renewed eyes and loved her with a renewed heart. She was still wrong, but I didn't care. I needed her to love me when I was wrong too.

Jesus loves you when you're wrong, and instead of asking God to change you, Jesus asks God to look at you through His blood. And when YOU see that, it makes you want to change. There's a famous movie line in which a man says to his love interest, "You make me want to be a better man". I love that. And when I look at the mirror that is the Bible, that's how I feel. I need to be with God to allow Him to change me, 'cause I can't do it myself.

This place of thanks I'm at right now hasn't come without a price. That's a pretty shallow statement because I've lived a rather "safe", unchallenged existence for the most part. But if I could go back and make things smoother, I would. I would do some things different. But at the same time, I have no regrets about the decisions I've made. I just regret the people I've hurt in the process. It's no wonder that Jesus compares his church to a "Bride". The marriage relationship is such a wonderful example of salvation, forgiveness, love and adoration, humility and many others that just simply can't be found in everyday, superficial social relationships.

So in this season, all you married folk be thankful above all else but God, for your spouses and the marriage that He has blessed you with. And if you're going through a season of winter and death, just BE with Him.